My True Feelings About Thailand

I’ve been back in the States for 22 hours. The first 22 hours have been wonderful – full of laughter, hugs, clean laundry, and a full 12 hours of sleep. I love my people here and in St Louis. I love living in Georgia and I’m excited to catch up on all I’ve missed over this past month.

But a little while ago I realized that I really don’t want to be here.

My heart hurts thinking of being so far away from Thailand. I miss the people, the missionaries, the busyness, the confusion, the traffic, the language barrier. I even miss my annoyance at all the Chinese tour groups.

I wish I knew what my next steps are. And I wish I knew why my heart hurts so much. I’m trusting the Lord for direction when He thinks I’m ready to know. And until then, I’m just falling on Him for comfort. 

 

Yesterday on the plane (probably about 24 hours ago) I wrote out a prayer to the Lord. I want to share it with you because it’s the realest thing I have right now… 

Elohim,

This month has been more than I ever expected. I thought it was going to be like my time in Vietnam but I was mistaken in the best way. You had different plans for this trip and I’m thankful. I think I expected the same trip because I wanted to use the similarities to gauge how You and I were growing in relationship. I was full of hope in expecting the same trip because that was easier to control. 

You stripped me of so much of my normal comforts this month in ways I never expected. You provided more that I ever expected and blessed me with more than I needed. You put incredible people in my path for me to cherish for the unbearably short time we had and you allowed people to teach me more than I could ever imagine to pack into a one month timespan. You showed up when I didn’t feel it or was too numb to know the difference. You were always there. Thailand is dark and I could’ve disappeared completely, but you never left me. You never forgot me nor have you forgotten the other millions of people in Thailand. It amazes me. You amaze me. You’re so big and I’m so small but I’m so grateful and empowered by your love and grace. 

Thank you for the things you’ve shown me and the many things I learned form all those you put in my path. About the culture, religion, sex tourism, trafficking and who’s behind it, and so much more. I don’t know how to go on with my tedious life of emails when so many women are being exploited. So many men are being exploited. So many young girls and young boys are being exploited. Too many. One is too many. This trip has shown me so much of it and I am convinced only You can fix it. It will take a miracle from You to solve this huge problem, but I know it’s something possible.

But what do you want me to do? This trip has been more than just Host Development. This taught me too much for me to just go back to normal life as if nothing has happened. Pretty much- I just need You to guide me, lead me, continue showing me how to love people well and see each person the way you do. Please give me the courage to be faithful and follow where you lead, wherever you lead. Seriously, WHEREVER YOU LEAD.

I don’t know what is in store for me when I step off this plane and make peace with my life in the States but I know You are with me. You will be with me each step and I trust You with whatever You have planned.

 

This is all I have.

One of my favorite songs right now is Hillsong’s “Glimmer in the Dust.” The bridge says, “When all said and done, all the matters is love so let love take over. Not just in part but in all that You are, let Your love take over.”

That is my prayer right now. Love is truly ALL that matters. All I can do right now is LOVE every person that comes along my path. It is simple but it is hard. Not every person on my path is easy to love. But I am called to Love, we are called to Love.

With humility and selflessness.

 

Thanks for reading this vulnerable post. Your prayers would be appreciated, as would your texts/calls. I would love to tell you more about what this trip was for me.