I Have [Not] Failed

How many times in our lives do we squash opportunities because of our own perceived failure?

This has come up in EVERY area of my life over the past month and a half. I’ve been hit hard with the temptation to pick up shame and condemnation.

I’m a recovering perfectionist.

Back in 2013/2014, I spent over a year in counseling to redefine words, to learn how to feel again, and to invite someone into my deep struggles and thoughts. I let go of a lot of shame and learned to look at myself and the world through a different lens.

I’m still on this journey to figuring out how to see myself as my Creator does.

Fast forward to my recent past and present…

I was asked to take on more responsibilities at work. A dating relationship ended. My deepest friendships were a bit stagnant. My support raising wasn’t going as smoothly as I’d hoped. Some areas of my life were just downright a struggle, a wrestle.

I’ve had two choices… pick up shame and walk with a limp OR leave shame at the cross and dance in freedom.

I have been tempted to pick up shame and look at myself as “Failure” in each of these situations. But when I let people into the mess and was vulnerable with the idea that I felt ashamed, they spoke the salve-filled words: “You’re wrong. You are not a failure. Even more, you haven’t ‘failed’ in ANY of those situations.”   

That’s what I’m going to choose to believe. I am not a failure. Darkness wants me to believe that, but I refuse.

I will choose to believe that I am healed, chosen, worthy, and competent. The Light wants me to believe that and see the possibilities with my “yes.”   

Only when I leave the perception of my failure at the cross do I actually have the opportunity to see myself as my Father does. And only then do I get to see opportunities for what they truly are.

If I would’ve picked up shame in these situations, I would have:

• Said no to more job responsibility
• Kept that dating relationship going
• Walked away from my deepest friendships
• Stopped inviting people to be part of ministry with me
• Refused to write this blog
• Crawled in a whole, walled up my heart, and sunk deeper and deeper into perfectionism and suppressed emotions

But I don’t want that life. I’ve already done each of these things in my past and life is better when struggles are left at the cross. Jesus can hold it for me. Jesus can hold it for us.

I hope this encourages you, challenges you, and gives you hope. There is so much Hope in this. Choose Light and see Jesus as He really is – ready to hold it all and dance with you.